"I felt what we always feel when someone dies - the sad awareness, now futile, of how little it would have cost us to be more loving"
- Jorge Luis Borges
- Jorge Luis Borges
My grandmother died this morning. I had mixed feelings as to whether to post about it and still do but she's all I'm thinking about at the moment so she's all I can write about.
It's a strange experience to hear of someone's passing when you haven't seen them for a matter of years. You don't really believe it; it doesn't register. I've been feeling quite numb all day, for the most part, and I've felt bad because of it. I wonder how other people deal with death: you can never really know, not really.
At the moment I'm still wishing I'd visited more. I can't really excuse myself that. Life's been busy, but never that busy. It's the very worst kind of regret. I hope she was proud of me, and would have continued to be. I'm going to try my best to ensure that. Always.
Love you Grandma Dot. I'll miss you. If we could have just one more of those sunday afternoons like when I was a little boy, nothing could make me happier. You'll always be in my thoughts.
fuck, sorry to hear that.
ReplyDeletei was similarly numb when my nan died too (oddly enough also called dot). i think you just have to feel whatever you feel when you feel it, you can't force these things. and guilt doesn't help anyone.
death is frightening, though it sounds obvious to say so, and though it sounds childish, it's also just horribly unfair.
there's not much else anyone can say.
When my Gram died twelve years ago, I too felt that sense of unreality at first: I knew she was gone, but living half a state away I hadn't seen her every day either, and when I went to her house for the first time after she'd passed I absolutely, completely expected her to come walking out of her bedroom door at any moment. All of my senses told me she was still there - her clothes hanging in the closet still smelled like her, I could feel her soft grey hair left behind in her hairbrush, hear her favorite country music station still tuned in on her ugly little radio, taste the powdered sugar doughnuts she always kept in the kitchen cupboard just for me - but she had flown away, and it took months for me to fully accept that. Death, even after a long illness, is always a shock, and feeling numb is just your mind protecting itself from that shock, just a natural stage on your way to acceptance. I went through it, too. Everyone does.
ReplyDeleteI don't think love is measured simply in time spent together. Your words here are the words of a caring person, and your Grandma knew you cared and knew she was someone special in your life. Doesn't matter when you saw her last. Love is love. Your Grandma knew. Grandmas are kind of magical that way